*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Become a minion. Get that bread.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
new record!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.