Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
You learn something every day
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?