lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires