I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50