I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”