Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
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Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus