The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
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Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Ape together strong
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL