[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
You Might Also Like
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.