I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
When you kidnap a writer.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.