They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My guardian angel deserves a raise
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs