For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
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Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
an airline just for babies.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Investing in beetcoin
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said