Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”