“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
How can I say no to this ?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
wtf management?!