My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.