the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
do what now??
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.