I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.