I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Dishonest mechanic?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.