Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
describing stardew valley
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me