My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I forgot how to panic. Help
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?