I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
No, I don’t think I will.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
me when the borders lift
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.