I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this