If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.