“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.