Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate