“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware