Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
grotesque if literal: baby food
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.