Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
You Might Also Like
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*