Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”