Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”