Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What