I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers