*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading