Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.