What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
You Might Also Like
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]