Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.