i think both sides are to blame here
You Might Also Like
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I’m being attacked 😭
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”