Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When libraries troll their patrons.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job