BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Nice try, NASA
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes