Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name