White Castle for the Win
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The happy life.. 😊
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Netflix: We have Less
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.