Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
<—- homeless romantic
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.