Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner