Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
There are no pants in heaven.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science