It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.