I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull