If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Morning my dudes.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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