I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
welp
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today