90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Noah
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time