Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Jesus Christ lmao
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.