9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy